Things
I MUST Remember As A Dog...
- The garbage collector is not stealing
our stuff.
- I do not need to suddenly stand
straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
- I will not roll my toys behind
the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
- I must shake the rainwater out
of my fur before entering the house.
- I will not eat the cats' food,
before they eat it or after they throw it up.
- I will stop trying to find the
few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house
when I am about to get sick.
- I will not throw up in the car.
- I will not roll on dead seagulls,
fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they
smell.
- "Kitty box crunchies,"
although they are tasty, are not food.
- I will not eat any more Kleenex
or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard
after processing.
- The diaper pail is not a cookie
jar.
- I will not chew my human's toothbrush
and not tell them.
- I will not chew crayons or pens,
especially not the red ones, or my people will think
I am hemorrhaging.
- When in the car, I will not insist
on having the window rolled down when it's raining
outside.
- We do not have a doorbell. I will
not bark each time I hear one on TV.
- I will not steal my mom's underwear
and dance all over the backyard with it.
- The sofa is not a face towel. Neither
are Mom & dad's laps.
- My head does not belong in the
refrigerator.
- I will not bite the officer's hand
when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and
car registration.
- I will not play tug-of-war with
dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
- I will not eat mint flavored dental
floss out of the bathroom garbage and therefore avoid
having a string hanging out of my butt.
- I will not use "roll around
in the dirt" as an option after just getting
a bath.
- Sticking my nose into someone's
crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
- I will not hump on any person's
leg just because I thought it was the right thing
to do.
- I will not fart in my owners face
while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
- I will not come in from outside
and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
- The toilet bowl is not a never
ending water supply and just because the water is
blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
- I will not sit in the middle of
the living room and lick my crotch when company is
over
- Suddenly turning around and smelling
my butt can quickly clear a room.
- The cat is not a squeaky toy so
when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's
usually not a good thing.
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